The mother… an extraordinary figure with a thousand facets.
Mothers are such a varied, complex and unpredictable human category that a 10-episode documentary would be needed to talk about them.
At the moment of childbirth, nature has a gift in store for them that can only be received with motherhood.
No, I’m not talking about the excruciating pain.
I’m talking about a special radar that will accompany mothers for the rest of their lives and will allow them to sense when their children are about to go out without a jacket, without an umbrella or… without common sense.
Another example? Mothers are able to find what you can’t find simply by looking in the same place where you have already looked three times, something that didn’t happen when they were “only” daughters. Always thanks to the “mother-radar”.
Are you forty years old? It does not matter. For your mother, you’ll always eat too little and go out wearing too little clothing. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you can take better care of yourself than she does.
It’s not a question of personality, the one that distinguished her when she was simply a woman.
Becoming a mother brings a whole new world, made of scoldings, intrusiveness, containers full of food to take home, and requests to text as soon as you walk in the door… but also of unconditional affection, the kind only a mother can give.
For all these reasons, I think ecologists should study mothers as if they were a real ecosystem.
And since every ecosystem has its dominant species (at least I think… I’m not an ecologist ☺️), here is an affectionately ironic guide (I’m a mother too!) to the main types of mothers that populate our planet.
The “Have You Eaten?” Mom
This mom doesn’t ask, “How are you?”, but gets straight to the point: “Have you eaten?”
It doesn’t matter if you just finished a 14-course wedding reception: she thinks you’re still at risk of malnutrition.
And it doesn’t matter if you say “yes.” Her next response will probably be, “Okay, but eat something anyway.”
Her love is measured in portions. The more she loves you, the more she fills your plate.
If she ever leaves you hungry… well, start asking yourself some questions!
The Detective Mom
Agent 007 in a skirt.
If you’re thinking, “Yes, that’s my mother,” you might also be wondering how she doesn’t work for the secret service.
The answer is simple. Your mother has chosen a much more challenging career: finding out everything about you.
One way or another, she always knows who you’re dating, what you do, what you did at 4:42 PM on April 21, 2009 (something you wouldn’t remember even if you took tons of memory supplements in one sitting).
A typical question from the detective mom: “Who’s that guy who liked your photo?”
And if you think you have the right to your privacy and can get away with lying, know that it’s useless and counterproductive.
Useless because she already knows everything about that person (you didn’t think someone could like your photo with impunity, did you?)
Counterproductive because mommy is just testing your sincerity, and if she suspects you have something to hide… well, you don’t even want to think about it, do you?
The Youthful Mom
Also called the fitness mom.
She appears when her daughters become teenagers and begin to make her feel like a wreck.
Triggering causes:
- The sudden realization that her 40s make her “on the verge of scrapping” in the eyes of young people.
- The discovery that she is no longer her daughters’ confidante and that she is even being kept in the dark about the most intimate aspects of their lives.
The fitness mom’s goal, therefore, becomes to stay young to keep up with the times… and with her daughters.
It should be noted, however, that when it comes to body wellness, she’s often a fitness mom… only in words.
Monday statement: “Starting today, I’m going on a diet!”
Tuesday statement: “Well, a little treat… what harm can it do?”
Wednesday statement: “I’ll start next Monday.”
The time she dedicates to caring for her family prevents her from taking time for herself (so know that it’s also your fault if she doesn’t go to the gym!)
She, however, doesn’t give up… at least not in her intentions.
In fact, she surrounds herself with sports equipment for home use, which regularly ends up under the bed, behind the wardrobe, or transformed into temporary coat hangers.
As for her “youthful spirit,” her intentions are a little more deeply rooted.
Her efforts to convince her daughter that she can trust her, however, only make her intrusive and… inappropriate.
If she used her acquired “maturity” and not her youthful spirit, in fact, she would realize that the only part of the topic of sex her daughter is willing to discuss with her is the part about “birds and bees”. Her experiences are and remain secrets to be confided to a friend or sister. NO MOM.
Even worse, if in an attempt to get her daughter to open up, the mother told her about her own sexual adventures 😱.
The Doomsdayer Mom
Alarm! Alarm!
If you don’t answer the phone for 12 minutes, the doomsdayer mom has already imagined:
- three accidents (yes, all at the same time and all involving you)
- two kidnappings (yes, two! You’re her daughter, you can’t be the target of just one gang of criminals)
- a sudden bout of amnesia that made you board a flight to Alaska instead of a bus home.
When you finally call back, she greets you with, “Oh, thank goodness… I thought you were dead.” And her slightly accusatory tone makes you feel guilty… and makes you wish you were on that flight to Alaska.
The Social Media Mom
She also wants to keep up with the times and strives to be technologically advanced.
She sends four-minute voice messages to simply say “OK” and comes out with phrases like “I’ll send you a WhatsApp on Facebook,” but deep down, she inspires tenderness.
Until you check out her Instagram profile and discover she posts everything you do:
- embarrassing photos of you as a child, which she uses to start conversations with her followers because she thought you were so sweet
- videos of you singing, dancing, acting, or just being silly. The kind of videos to laugh at at Christmas, STRICTLY at home, away from prying eyes
- updates on your love and work life
Typical post description: “My little girl ❤️” (even though you’re 41 and have a mortgage).
The “I told you so” Mom
This mom is never wrong. NEVER.
Her favorite phrase is, “Do as you please,” which means you’re an adult and have the right to make your own choices, but you’re bound to make a mistake.
And when something goes wrong, she slowly appears like an epic character and utters her other favorite phrase: “I told you so.”
It doesn’t matter if the problem is tiny or gigantic: she had foreseen everything. And you, ungrateful little fool who never listens, failed to capitalize on her gift.
What’s that saying? Adding insult to injury.
She’s the same kind of mom who, when you say, “I’m a little tired today,” replies, “I think it’s because you don’t sleep much, you’re on the phone too much, you eat poorly, and you never listen to me.”
Come on, she warned you… don’t go looking for it!
The Multitasking Mom
She cooks, talks on the phone, cleans the house, checks on her kids, and thinks about the errands to run tomorrow… all at the same time.
If you ask her, “Are you tired?” she always says no (lying through her teeth).
She’s a perfect machine, fueled by coffee and a sense of duty.
Definitely a “helpful” mom… until the perfect machine breaks down.
The “Bring a jacket” Mom
It doesn’t matter the season.
40 degrees = “Bring a jacket.”
0 degrees = “Bring two jackets.”
Apocalypse or alien invasion = “Wrap up warm and bring another jacket.”
This mom has limited faith in the climate (and weather forecasts) and zero faith in your ability to self-regulate.
The Nostalgic Mom
Any occasion is a good one to say: “When you were little…”
The following part can last from 2 to 6 hours.
Thanks to your nostalgic mom, you know every detail of your birth by heart, because she tells you everything from scratch every birthday.
You know every grimace you made, every silly thing you said, and every embarrassing episode you were involved in.
Your nostalgic mom brightens your days by telling you stories that:
- you don’t remember
- you don’t want to remember
- you hoped no one would remember
But for her, those are precious moments to share… especially in front of guests.
The Psychologist Mom
The psychologist mom doesn’t scold you: she reasons and rephrases her thoughts in a more civil tone.
She doesn’t punish you: she invites you to “reflect on your behavior.”
And she doesn’t forget anything, because everything you do is a signal that helps her understand how your personal growth is progressing.
Understanding, sure, but try living through the rebellious phase of adolescence with her by your side:
- You, slamming the door (it helps sometimes 😉): “You don’t understand me!”
- She, nipping in the bud your attempt to vent nervous tension: “I understand you better than you understand yourself.”
Frustrating.
Mothers can be overbearing, pushy, overprotective, and sometimes a little intrusive.
But behind every “have you eaten?”, every “wrap up warm,” and every “I told you so” lies something simple and fundamental: immense affection, even when expressed in the loudest way possible.
The best way to understand them? Become a mother.
I did it, and I learned a lot about mine, who unfortunately is not with me anymore.
In conclusion, let’s face it: without mothers, we’d probably eat worse, get lost more, and… our teeth would chatter from the cold because we didn’t bring a jacket.
And yes… they were right about that too.
P.S. If you want to know what type of mother I am, the answer is…
FORGET IT! 😂